Badlands Update #4: Toys, Tariffs, Pyramid Schemes & WWIII?
Hey Badlands Runners,
I know what you're thinking…
Another race update already? And on a school night?!?
One-week turnaround, baby. Race Daddy is back in the saddle.
First off — shoutout to those of you who replied with your shirt sizes. Honestly? More of you responded than I expected. I’m proud.
For those who haven’t… I won’t name names yet. But the next email might. Public accountability builds character.
I know what you're thinking....
“This could’ve been done through UltraSignup.”
Correct.
But that ship has sailed and now I must live with my decisions like a manchild who refuses to learn. (Listening to a little Sabrina C while typing this)
If you’re newer and this is our first communication — welcome. I'm sorry for the aggressive tone. It'll only get worse. I love you?
Please reply with your shirt size before I start assigning random sizes like your aunt does at Christmas.
BLACKWOOD RACING L.L.C. SEEKING VENTURE CAPITAL
Pretty standard start-up company stuff happening over here…
Like… I have already spent your money.
All of it.
And then, in true visionary-founder fashion, I continued spending money I do not technically possess yet.
We’re calling it “aggressive pre-revenue expansion.”
Silicon Valley burns venture capital.
I burn entry fees on lights, noise, and things that absolutely did not need to glow but now do.
It’s not irresponsible.
We call it disruptive.
If we had a GDP-to-debt ratio, it would make the federal government blush — except unlike them, I can't print money and I don't have China casually scooping up our bonds.
So... if you could casually mention to your friends that this is the most overbuilt, financially questionable race of the year and they should sign up immediately…
That would really help stabilize our little economy.
Yes, this sounds like a pyramid scheme.
But it’s not a pyramid.
It’s more of a slightly unstable A-frame structure built out of peer pressure and debt obligations.
Totally different.
If we all just believe hard enough, the budget will stabilize itself.
Totally normal startup stuff.
In other news...
Our finish line truss package is now way too expensive due to tariffs and cheetoh-based-tantrums so I am working on acquiring one that inflates like a balloon animal. No sharp objects please.
We're also trying to tackle medals but as always, we've overcomplicated things in the name of badassness so it's gonna take a sec to find someone to make what we want. Worst case, if they don't show up in time I may give you that shitty chocolate wrapped in that shitty gold foil.
It's artisanal.
BIGGER NEWS: We’re pumped to have Running Lab in Brighton, MI supporting the race. If you’re training for this event and not buying your gear from a local, family-owned, nationally recognized running store that happens to be in our backyard… I don’t know what to tell you.
#1 Running Store in the Country. Full Stop.
In our backyard. FULL STOP.
Not Aravaipa’s. Not Destination Trails’. Ours.
Go see them. Shoes, GU, socks, things you pretend you don’t need but definitely do.
Next time we talk, we’ll go over start line food, aid stations, and whatever chaotic buffet awaits you at the finish. My mom's cooking.
If you have dietary restrictions, now is the time to reflect on your life choices.
Kidding. Mostly.
We will have options. My wife has been vegan for half her life, so I’ve completed advanced coursework in ingredient interrogation and emotional produce discussions. I’ve navigated soy debates, almond controversies, and whatever oat milk thinks it’s doing. I am battle-tested.
That said — if your dietary needs include phrases like “hand-foraged,” “moon-blessed,” or “harvested only under a waning crescent,” we may need to have a separate conversation.
Between her standards and you savages, we’ll land somewhere in the middle: fueled, functional, and only slightly dramatic.
No one is bonking on my watch. Not from lack of calories anyway.
Also.... and this one pisses me off...
There are currently 25 people in our new Badlands runner Facebook group.
Twenty-five.
Please tell me I did not endure the bureaucratic labyrinth of creating that thing just to host what feels like an advanced placement study hall.
Join it. Participate. Pretend you like community. Hell... you don't even have to pretend to like me as long as you join.
So far, Jerri is the only person who answered the entry question incorrectly. She was also the first to register for the race, so I can only assume this was a calculated act of defiance.
Go run some miles PCKTSNX
III know some of you are probably thinking... but what about Iran? Did we just start WWIII?
Short of a meteor directly impacting Island Lake, this race is happening. Economic instability? Fine. Political chaos? Fine. If society collapses, we’ll convert the aid stations into trade posts and continue as planned. Adapt. Overcome. Badlands is inevitable.
*** WAIVER IN SMALLER PRINT ***
If there is, in fact, a tornado, lightning apocalypse, or the park manager looks at me and says “absolutely not,” then yes — we will pack it up like responsible adults. I am, occasionally, capable of reason.
I’m being dramatic. Let me have it.
Enjoy the chaos while it lasts.
You’ll miss me when I’m gone.
(“Gone” meaning I’ll disappear for 11 months and then reappear next year asking for more entry fees.)
As always, reach out with questions. If you’d rather be surprised on race day or you’ve decided trail running isn’t for you, tell me and I’ll take you off the list.
That’s all for now.
See you in the woods.
— J
